I remember the conversation so clearly…
I was on my way home with kids after a play date with some friends when an exchange of words with my 6 year old daughter brought me an unforgettable, tangible moment of awareness and realization.
At that time my son was still young, a cute little toddler with tons of volts of energy and well…I was pretty much in a complete state of exhaustion trying my best to juggle a job, navigate a family crisis, learning to parent and yet still, wanting to find the joy in that particular season of life.
As I drove home that afternoon I was lost in deep thoughts. I was replaying in my head the moments that I got to spend with my friend and her kids that afternoon. I kept asking myself how could I possibly ever reach that level of womanhood.
I mean, this girl had a vibrant relationship with Jesus. On top of that, she was gorgeous, she had financial stability, a great marriage, tons of family support around her and most of all…she was an incredible mom.
The more I thought, the more I kept comparing my life to hers and felt like a failure. There was no way I could ever come any close to that. So… I stared beating myself up internally.
My daughter was quietly observing me through the rear view mirror and saw the tears rolling down my eyes.
Are you OK mom? – she asked. Sorry sweet heart, I think Mommy is just a little bit overwhelmed -I answered. I just wished God would have given you a mom that was in much better condition all together. A perfect mom. – I added.
“He did.” -She replied. “I do not need any other mommy, because you are the perfect one for me!”…”You are perfect for me mom”. (Oh what I delight it would be to hear that from my teen daughter now.) 🙂
I am not going to lie…the crying got really ugly then. 🙂 It hit me hard. All of a sudden I was reminded of a couple of things:
1. When I’m exhausted and going through difficultly, that is not the best moment for me evaluate my growth and my performance in any of my roles. That’s indeed a time when I must find the courage to be kind to myself and take care of me, so that I can be able to do the next right thing.
2. When I compare myself and my journey to others I’m devaluing myself and my experience. Embracing and loving the totality of who I am is also a huge part of being brave.
God wasn’t caught by surprise with me. He knows everything about me, and yet he entrusted me with these precious children. I am sure he knew what they needed as well. And of course, that’s not to say that my kiddos won’t need therapy at some point, trust me they will! Lots of it. 😂 But ultimately, God will work in their lives just like he continues to work in mine. Even in my brokeness and inadequacies, my loved ones will be able to get from me what I can offer and my unique ways to love them. God will make up the difference!
My daughter’s words were not just a cute statement! They were a practical word from God that spoke to my very core and pierced through a whole lot of lies that I’ve told myself for many years. It was a reminder of his approval for me to be and walk unashamed of who I am.
We all have hard days. Days when we feel that we are not enough. We all have experienced those moments of fear, doubt and insecurity. I still have those days! I am not a stranger or inmune to some of those persistent voices that still scream or at times whisper to me when I am most vulnerable, trying to convince me to believe the lie: You are not enough!
Over these past few months I’ve been really struggling much uncertainty and insecurities. I’ve been hunted by high waves of anxiety and pulled under by fear. Then I was reminded again and again of one truth: I am His! I belong, I am loved. He’s for me and not against me.
Therefore, I can do the hard things. I’ve done it before, with Him and through Him.
I can be the woman that he’s calling me to be, even in my brokenness and inadequacies. I can do all things through Christ…through his strength.
Therefore, when those voices want to become louder and tell me otherwise, I must choose to remind myself of who He says I am. I am His.